Re-evaulating my work
PART 1
How to even begin? My thoughts could go off in a million different directions right now to discuss the greater part of this year with you.
After I launched my minis collection in June, I felt like a runner who crossed the finish line after running a marathon. I was on my knees on the ground and could barely stand up… but everyone in the crowd was watching me, so I had to. I stood up and wobbled my way through the people and put on a proud face because I “should be so happy and proud right??” I had just finished a marathon for goodness sakes! Not to mention the crowd was cheering me on and telling me how GREAT of a job I did. That type of attention is so dangerous for me. So, if I had just done this admirable and wonderful thing, how come I was feeling a sense of emptiness and despair rather than a sense of accomplishment?
I’ve spent the greater part of the last 4 months asking myself this question. Where did my spark go? Where did my hunger to create suddenly go? I truly was DRAGGING myself to the studio and my resentment of it was mounting by the day. ** I have to add in here, I had a 4 month old at this point, and she was NOT sleeping well. This heightened probably every emotion I was experiencing plus every physical symptom I was experiencing too — migraines, extreme brain fog, triggering my already existent depression and anxiety, etc. In fact, she still has slept through the night maybe 3x in the last 8 months, so you could say I’m a little tired. Oh Sunny girl! Long story short, one afternoon at the end of June, Patrick pulled me aside after a exhaustion + stress induced panic attack and asked me if I would consider taking a sabbatical from my work (and consequently social media). My immediate reaction was for my eyes to fill with tears and to say “really…?”. I struggle SO MUCH with feeling like my worth and value that I bring into this world is only proven by what I can produce… and my work is such an easy avenue to control and manipulate how well I am “approved”! Would he (read - everyone) still approve of me and consider me worthy of love and approval if I didn’t produce work for a season.. even if it was only a month? We looked into logistics and I felt an immense amount of peace with the decision, so off I went into my sabbatical abyss of total (necessary) discomfort.
The month was full of awkward silences. Not knowing what to do with my hands. I was so used to robotically and obsessively creating that I truly did not know what to do with myself. I started working out again, I spent time with my baby girl, breastfed for hours and hours, I painted a lot of pictures with my 3 year old, I cooked for my family, kept my house clean for once in my entire life, snuggled my kids extra hard when they were sick, and thought little to NONE about my business. I did honestly NOTHING “glamorous” by curated social media standards. It was really….nice. It was also really uncomfortable.
What I learned from my time away was this — Somewhere along the way in the last 8 years, I’ve taken my business and put it on a pedestal above everything else in my life that is important to me (my own creativity included). Once I had this realization, it didn’t feel right to completely abandon it, but at the same time it felt like a blindfold had been taken off my eyes and I couldn’t unsee the way I was prioritizing things in my life. I needed to reevaluate how to fit my work into my life in a healthy and sustainable way. To be honest (as if I haven’t been brutally honest this entire journal entry), I am in this process RIGHT NOW. Learning what it looks like to allow myself to be creative again, enjoy my time in the studio, take the time to fail, learn, and try again. All of these things are SO critical for an artist to experience if they are making honest work, and to be completely real, I feel like my work hasn’t been completely honest in the past few years. Over time, it became what I would describe as “robotic” and more of a “what can I make that people will like?? what can I make that will sell?” mentality rather than a “this is my offering to the world and they can take it or leave it” mentality. This, of course, is tricky when your livelihood is your art. I’ve had to work really hard on trusting myself and trusting that God will provide for our family and I don’t have to try and manipulate/control how people receive my work. Basically, in an effort to avoid failure, I’ve failed.
I guess what i am trying to say is, I am working through breathing new life into my work. Learning again what it is like to explore, experiment, try new things, and allow myself to fail. Another thing I’m learning is that there will be no “arrival”. I won’t suddenly step back from my work and say to myself “I’VE FINALLY DONE IT!”.. I think that all my work will be a stepping-stone of sorts to the next work, and the next work, and so on. I want to stop idolizing the idea of “arrival” and appreciate the stepping stone work along the way that will make up my entire body of work at the end of my life. I really hope that the work that comes from this time of reflection will be HONEST work that comes from a pure place. I want the work to be courageous, fun, nostalgic, and unapologetically ME. The fun part is, I’m still learning who that is :). I hope you’ll stick around while I am on this journey and that you’ll enjoy what I offer as I learn and grow in my studio practice!
